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November 31, 2015

MY RICE-COOKING SKILLS ARE IMPROVING. ALSO MY BEAN-COOKING SKILLS. I'LL SOON BE A WHITE-AFRICAN PAULA DEAN. I'VE BEEN GETTING SOME PROMPTINGS FROM THE SPIRIT TO START MY OWN COOKING SHOW WHEN I GET BACK.. "MAESER'S 'MAZING 'MERICAN MEAL-MAKING" OR IN SHORT, "MMMMM..." ... YES, YOU MAY HAVE "SEEN WHAT I DID THERE."

Q)  Tell us about your new companion.  Tell us about being the DL's comp.  Do you go with him to all his responsibilities?

A) HE'S A SOLID TROUT. HE HAS HIS GIRLFRIENDS PHOTO ON HIS DESK THAT STRAIGHT UP LOOKS LIKE LAFAWNDUH WENT AND TOOK GLAMOUR SHOTS WITH DEB.

Q)  is it ok to ask you about African Christmas traditions now?  

A)  THE ONLY THING IVE SEEN IS CHEAP FIREWORKS. THEY CALL THEM CRACKERS. AND YES, I TAKE OFFENSE TO THIS RACIALLY MOTIVATED LABEL.

Q) can you talk in the African Accent yet?  

A)  ME GBO NA. MY NYE MISSIONARIES? MA DA FUFU. MI VA BE MI GBLO MAWU NYA NA MI. ME LOR WO. (I LOVE YOU)

December 7, 2015

I'm glad to say me and my fellow tough trout companion are getting along better. His Lafawnduh picture still startles me when I walk in the room after the day is over. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure, cause I come home to startle "Starla" at night?!! FORGET ABOUT IT! 

We actually have a lot of fun at the apartment when all the four Elders get back. We all sit on the couches (Except my companion, he goes in his room and spends the night talking on the phone... I'm convinced it's Lafawnduh) and we talk about ...........(stuff)    and take funny pictures. Something I havent mentioned, people are CRAZY about funerals here. They print out huge posters and put them in various locations as an invitation to the world. It's almost always a picture of the deceased person, sitting on a throne with a golden staff and a crown, like they were some kind of royalty, when really the person probably owned a barber shop down the street. We did the deed of replicating the photo for you. Enjoy.

Q:  Tell me something you have learned from your personal studies.

A:  I've learned never to study on my bed. My bed is an hour advancing time machine... it's a strange phenomenon.

Q:  What kind of responsibilities does the DL have and do you go with him when he does them?

A:   Being a DL is seriously like any other missionary. Just more babysitting than usual. He mostly take calls and interviews Baptismal candidates.

Q:  Tell me something you've learned in your Companion studies.

A:   I've learned that my time machine doesn't operate during said time. 

Q:  Do you have a senior couple in your branch?  How is the leadership?  Is the branch president a new convert or has he been a member for awhile?

A:   The Bodines are in Ho. They are Rockstars. Our Branch President is an amazing man and has been a member for A YEAR. I'll write more on him later for "a Christmas special."

Q:  Is the mission pres. going to have any kind of party for you guys for Christmas?

A:  We  are having our Samoan and Tongan Elders slay a pig and roast it for us. We have Zone Conference this Friday and that'll be all we see of our MP. He's very very busy. 

Q:  What do people do if the lights go out at night?  do they have candles?

A:    They light their... uhh... YES.

You're all awesome! Keep getting buckets!

Me lor wo ka ka!  (I LOVE YOU MUCH MUCH!)

Akpeteshi Fun

So this week was very good! We baptised this man Ezekiel and this very small old man Paul. Paul is cool. We met him three weeks ago and he's already been dunked. He progressed like a bullet train! Ezekiel is a straight-up rockstar who owns a sick moto-bike and has an awesome family. They are all members but Ezekiel wasn't able to be baptised before due to some WofW probs (which is normal here... people love their Akpeteshi (Beer)). We gave him a blessing and he's been doing so well.

Which reminds me of an amusing anecdote.. One night it was me and Elder Olschewski going to get chicken and jolaf rice. We were placing our order and he forgot the name of the rice, so I told him that it was Akpeteshi. Which, as I stated earlier, means beer in Ewe. He was oblivious to my Ewe skills so he ordered himself a nice solid order of Alchohol. The lady almost fell on the floor laughing. I got a few slugs as a result of this small episode but it was worth it on every level.

The people here love to laugh. I am so lucky to be here because the people actually get my humor. At night everyone stares at me because I am a random white man in the middle of the African bush, wearing nice clothing. So I ride my bike like a moron and scream, "Good evening Kpando! ... HOW! ..." Or sometimes I make moto-bike noises as I wizz past them. I think I'm starting to have too much fun.
I think I need to start learning the gospel a little better because lately I've been hanging on the knowlege of my companion and just having fun with these people. I hope so bad I don't leave Kpando this transfer. The people here in the Kpando branch have become family to me. They are all amazing. I blessed the sacrament this week, and was just looking at all of the faces of all my wonderful friends and felt a little heartbreak thinking about leaving them. 

Q:  Tell us about a favorite family in the ward.

A: Favorite family is probably Stephen and Comforter. Comforter is prego so we go there and visit and help them. They just crack me up. The way they think is very funny. At first, when they joined the church they did so because they were sick of getting headaches from the yelling preachers in other curches. By the way, we have a church that does that very same thing sometimes till 1am. I've learned to tone it out. I've learned to tone a lot of things out because the goats also like to sing the song of their people at 4am - onward.

Q: tell us a favorite experience in teaching this week.

A: Well we taught a man named Joeseph who was all very excited about our message after we met him for the first time, and he started getting all fired-up about the restoration. He started getting a little too enthusiastic, and we weren't sure if he was on that good kush so we also dropped him a WofW pamphlet.

Today it's just me and Elder G-Money (Grant) trucking through Kpando like mad dawgs. It was hard saying goodbye to my DL, Elder Vosarawrawa, we got really tight the last 3 mo. We went on exchanges twice which was a blast. It was nice having an enthusiastic companion for once. I thrive off of other peoples enthusiasm. Today has been a blast with G-Money. 

JUST CALL ME MOMMY - This is what African Mommies do with their children.

Say Hello to the Kpando Goonies.  These kids are crazy!!!  They turn into demons on Sunday.  I'm finally paying for my rowdiness when I was in Primary.

...And it came to pass that Elder Flake did travel to the land of Golukuati as he has done at the latter end of every week.  And it was custom among the Ewe tribe to hold a celebration in said town of the 21st of November, evenasmuch as there was a large mass of people, that they could nevertheless not be numbered because of the greatness of their number.  And he did find and see many marvelous things, including many white people, far more than he had seen in the space of 3 months....  No kidding the celebration was huge.

It reminded me of the 24th of July because there was grass, people, and it was a beautiful summer day.  Haha it still feels like mid July... (NEENER NEENER) and the air is getting dryer and the citrus is starting to spread its intoxicating bouquet throughout the town.  I love it!

Preaching the gospel and looking finking SWAG whilst doing so.

Q:  What is a typical P-Day?

A:  We workout.  We chill.  We wash. We clean. We party.  We E-mail (when we can) We talk about stuff.  We shop sometimes.  We nap on occasion.

Q:  What kind of mattress/bed do you sleep in?

A:  I have the hardest mattress.  It's basically a rock, but I've gotten so used to it, especially after I chisled out my body shape with Ye Old Hammer and Chisle.

Q:  Besides FuFu what's the weirdest thing you've eaten?

A:  They sell these weird dried up fishes that basically look like old-moldy fish, but they are very good.  Sometimes they put the fish into the stew and rice, which if chewed incorrectly, will stab the roof of your mouth with the fish's bones.  It has been said that only Chuch Norris has withheld a small tear after this instance.

Q:  Tell another teaching experience for the week!

A:  Today we taught this woman named Praise who has been taught for like 1-1/2 years now.  You extend her a date and she just says, "Soon."  We taught her a lesson, Elder Grant and I, and anytime I was impressed to say something, G-Money would say that very thing I was impressed to say.  After the lesson G-Money said I was doing the same thing to him.  LOL...SPIRIT!

Kpando, Kpando, Kpando!

So this week was decent. We ate plenty and MY PACKAGE ARRIVED! It couldn't have come at a better time. My bike has been having many problems this week and one night the tire completely busted. I was very mad because our apartment was like a mile away. After carrying, yes CARRYING my bike back I just threw it on the ground and went in my room. It was kinda funny, as I was carrying it back, the people sitting on their stoops next to the road were saying, "What, did your bike get tired?" This made the trek a little better but I was NONETHELESS UPSET! There it was... my beautiful missionary package, just chillin' on the table. I'm not going to lie, I pigged-out a little bit. The candy and such was very scrumptious.

So the next day I had a little episode that was kinda funny. My bike tire, after getting it fixed, busted again. So we were just walking along side our bikes this time because the bust wasn't quite as bad. We were going on a back road where all the Ghanaian men chill with their homies on their stoops around evening time. As we were going to a lesson we were attracting a lot of attention, first of all because I'm white, and second of all because my tire was making a load "EGHRHERGEHR......EGHEGRHGER" sound. Well Kpando, as I've said before, has a major drug problem. This dude that was SO HIGH came up to me and tried taking my busted bike from me. I obviously resisted, and it was making all of the stoop-dwellers laugh. The shroomin' individual was very persistent and finally got it from me. Soon a dude (who was also very drunk) pulled up on his moto bike, tied my bike to the back of his and took off. I was convinced I would never see it again. It turns out though, that the dude was just going to repair it. I never know whats going on because they always yell in Ewe. The dude on mushrooms was funny though, he was yelling at cars as they drove by and jumping at random things. Word of Wisdom. I might set up a stand and just hand them out as people walk by. 

So we had more banku this week and it was delicious. A member is feeding us fufu tonight so I'm very pumped. To prove to you that I'm gaining a belly, I'm sending you this embarrassing snapshot from me at the Christmas party! If it ends up on social media I will be a very unhappy Elder. 

(sorry Travis!  I wasn't going to post this but then you sent me a 'one word' email this week.)  

Kpando, Kpando, Kpando!  (If you look close enough you will find the sign for the church building!)

Hanging with my homies

Not sure what these boys are doing to this taxi.....

This is the third time a big truck has gotten stuck on the road next to our apartment.

One of the views of Kpando

Jolly Rancher Times

We baptised Francis and his daughter Saturday which was awesome. We thought the new font wasn't done yet so we went to the Jolly Rancher/dirty sock-smelling river Tokor again......I didn't perform the baptisms this time it was my companion. I wont complain because the last time I did it, I smelt like a sweaty clown working in a sushi factory the whole day.

Oh! Last week was awesome! After I emailed you about not having a chance to play basketball, Elders Olschewski, Grant and I were walking back to our apartment and we heard a whistle from the other side of a mysterious wall. We crawled through this small metal blast door and BOOM. A soccer field and a make-shift concrete court was laying there in front of us. I was thinking, "Narnia?".. I don't care how dezal it was, it looked 

like gold pavement to me. These three Africans wanted to play a pick-up game with us and it was the funnest thing I've done out here so far. They claimed that they didn't whistle for us... Who knows, maybe the Spirit whistles as well as whispers, and did so that night. It was awesome. 

Fufu is so freaking good.  Ghanaians are so obsessed with it and so am I.  It's plantain and cassava pounded up to a paste and dropped into a bowl of soup.  You then dig in with your hands.  ONLY YOUR RIGHT HAND if you use your left they will murder you.  They never separate bowls, so when we have four Elders eating out of one bowl it looks like a zombie feast scene from "The Walking Dead".

haha Kpando is straight up thug' out here in the African bush.  It's smaller than Snowflake/Taylor by a few thousand.  it's very spread out though.  I hated our bikes at first because my chain kept breaking and my darn pant leg kept getting caught in it, but I'm so thankful because we decided to walk yesterday for a few appointments and it really sucked some large lemons.

We've got four missionaries in our apartment but our DL and another US greenie, Grant, come down on Sunday nights and P0days for District meetings on Tuesday.

The Ghana accent is hard because my Nigerian companion and the Ghanaians have different accents.  i'm starting to get it more though.

I went on exchanges with Elder Vosararawa this week which was so fun.
 I love that cool Fijian!!!!

1st Baptisms!

Baptisms! 

My first ones!!  They were so awesome.  emmanuel and Isaac are the coolest kids.  They speak very little English so it was hard teaching them but before their interviews we were having a fake gun fight at the chapel on Wednesday.  They're my homies!!  I had to baptize Isaac THREE TIMES because he kept letting go of my arm.  

We baptized them in good ole Tokor, which has a strange scent like Jolly Ranchers mixed with dirty socks and seafood..... somewhat pleasant.

This picture is SWAG! In the back is our new branch President Elias Kotoku, with Elder O' and Kate walking out, and me and lil' Isaac walking back with him clinging on to me like a cling rat.

Me and Elder Olschewski swaggin during baptisms.

We built a fire and participated in an African ritual of burning a pig head......... haha jk we just burned it because it was stinking up our fridge big time!

Me and my District Leader Elder Vosararwa. He's a chill Fijian!

"I'm starting to really love Ghana, the people, the FOOD and the work.  I basically breathe in FUFU and bread.  You guys won't believe it but your tall & skinny Brombones has developed a little bit of a belly. CARBS!  The members feed us as often as they can  Some investigators aren't even interested in the Gospel but they always invite us back to feed us."

"Kpando is my town!!!!"

Zone Meeting

Here's our zone

Instruction and Learning

Chillin' with the guys

Good food!

Alive and Angry!

Here are some pictures of ..... just a beautiful waterfall, a monkey chilling' on my shoulder and a tiny goat we found (no biggy)  And it came to pass that we named it Juantavious and dubbed him the mission mascot.  I will tell you all a little bit about the goats....  THERE ARE GOATS EVERYWHERE!   Goats and chickens.  I have no idea how everyone keeps track of their own goats.  I think Kpando has just been transformed into a giant community goat farm.

It is seriously impossible to feel down when there are hundreds of goats (tiny goats) running aimlessly across the roads.  It's hilarious.

ALIVE AND ANGRY!!!!

Oh my gosh! The roads are insane! I genuinely fear for my life any time we ride on them.  I don't understand how it works.  There will be constant taxi and Tro-Tro traffic both ways on these small two land roads with a 3 foot trench on each side, which is dangerous enough.  But when you add in loads of people, salesmen, bikes, motor, and notwithstanding GOATS, it blows the human mind!  Nobody crashes either! there are zero fender benders.

We are teaching this guy named Shelter who is a toal boss!   He has muscles on his muscles.  He eats a bowl of nails like every morning, WITHOUT ANY MILK.  He's a stud but he talks so quiet like everybody else.  I busted up laughing in the middle of one of our lessons because we asked him where we went after we die and he just looked off into the distance and whispered... "heaven"  haha idk why, but it was legendary!

All of our lessons are outside on wooden stools.

Ghana has this thing called "light out" where for a certain period of the day the power goes off for 6-12 hours.  It's dezal when it's at night or morning because it means bucket showers and a sauna apartment.  I will never ever complain about washing clothes or dishes ever again.  Without a bucket, one cannot have clean things.  Mom, I love you.  All I gotta say.  I want you all to go into the laundry room, stare at the washing machine, and thank the Lord Almighty for it.

We are all so blessed!  Treasures in heaven everybody!
-Elder Flake